First and foremost, every Ayahuasca journey begins with a personal intention or desire, even if that intention is to just connect with spirit & let the Queen Mother Ayahuasca plant medicine show you what you are supposed to see. The experience can be very narly or the best time of your life so be prepared and willing to let it be whatever it is supposed to be. You really have to be prepared for anything.
Ayahuasca is a plant medicine ingested during a shaman-led ceremony that an individual takes to connect with spirit & take a journey from the crown to the heart chakra, dancing with the divine spirit through all the many layers of light, dark, fear & bliss along the way. The plant embodies a feminine presence & so it is called the Queen Mother who takes you & holds you through all of it & you dance with her in the most beautiful display of divine work that can ever take place. The work does not even take place on this realm per say. In fact there has to be a little death that takes place & any resistance to the death will prevent you from journeying & take you into a bad trip. If you are able to let go of your physical attachment to this body, this life, then what you experience will be beyond words, beyond thought, beyond this physical existence & in that place you will meet your deepest darkest fears, pain as well as your most beautiful truth, that we are truly all one & fear & pain are only in the mind & that our purpose here, all of our purposes is to love & to live without fear, without boundaries, without hesitation. That we are infinite beings living a physical & a spiritual life within the same space & time, and in fact there is no such thing as space & time in our spiritual realm. Space & time only exist in this physical reality. Our ego creates the illusion that anchors us in this reality & prevents us from experiencing our highest potential, our divinity. We foolishly believe that all we are is this life, this body, this existence. In reality, we are infinite & formless, we are everything we could ever want or need, we are one with the universe, we are perfect & whole, we are love, light, darkness & that there is no such thing as good or bad, it all just is. The Queen Mother shows us that in a truly profound way.
My personal intention was to meet my fears, pain & darkness & see them naked & bear and transform them into light & love & to experience my divinity. I went into the ceremony with no agenda & what I got was so much more than I could have ever dreamt for myself. My personal journey showed me all of me & I now love my beautiful soul, I love all of the Universe/God. I love it all & I want to fuck it all, making sweet, divine love to all of it with every passing moment. I no longer fear anything as there is truly nothing to fear. I no longer carry the pain of feeling not enough, rejected & excluded. Enough is finite & I am infinite.
I felt my pain from & danced with it & with the Queen Mother & my spirit guides. They watched as I danced in serpent like undulations with my pain, so proud so strong, so courageous. I never, even for a moment, wanted to be anywhere else, doing anything else. I felt that I had prepared for this moment for an eternity. I loved that moment, it was my work & I did it beautifully. She showed me the pain in tolerable doses & I wept through it & when it was too much for me too handle I stopped and breathed the pain open & out of my heart & into the Universe as love & light. I saw the pain, felt the pain & breathed it wide open through my heart & through my pores & transformed it into light & love & forgave. I broke open the protective shell encasing my heart & was left with a free, wide open & vulnerable heart & all is good. I met so many significant people in my life, had conversations with them & transformed our unspoken illusions into truth, love & light.
I danced with the Queen Mother & saw my beauty & danced with it. I met the Motherly Spirit of the World & at first she took form of a beautiful, wise & older woman with a feather in her long, silver, tied-back hair. I looked into her deep eyes & saw truth & nothing needed to be explained to me anymore. I was one with truth.
I saw that all this reading, studying & guidance I have sought out is a phony. It has woven together a false tapestry with threads of Eckhart Tolle, J. Krishnamurti, John O'DOnohue, Judith Lasater, Sharon Gannon, David Life, the Yoga Sutras, the Upanishads & the like. But thy are other peoples words, thoughts, feeling & experiences, not mine. I saw that I no longer needed to walk around with that cloak & I shed them fearlessly. Every time I released something significant a wave of nauseousness came over me & I saw that it was resistance to letting go of that & it was like my body felt like it needed to purge on the physical level as well, but I knew it didn't need to. I sat up & danced with the Queen Mother & invited her to come up if she wanted to, but she didn't. I breathed through the resistance & came back into my journey, back into my power. Every time I almost threw up, a helper (which they called Angels) would sit right in front of me & hold space for me.
Everything I met I breathed through my open heart & through my pours & into the Universe. I invited pain, sorrow, love & light into my heart with equanimity & without fear. Fear is a figment of the imagination, an ego-driven illusion. Every time I opened my eyes I would look around at the Angels & the journeyers & saw them in their beauty. We all wore white & there was about 100 journeyers, 10 Angels & our divine guides Juan & Cielo. It was a 6 hour long orchestration of absolute Divine beauty. In the wee hours of the morning I peeled my eyes open to find the whole room dancing in serpent-like movements. Every time I invited the Queen Mother in, or maybe she took me at her own free will because I prayed to her & gave her permission to, I would feel my crown chakra become fire-hot & wide open. I would also feel my Reiki attuned hands on fire & they would be placed in the perfect spot on my body. Sometimes they got so hot I had to move them. My chakras ran energy un-impeded. I felt everything move through me with no boundaries, no illusions. I felt the whole universe move in & out of my heart & my pores without resistance of any kind. It wasn't until after the ceremony that I threw up & it was only once & it was not bad & it was only because we were not allowed to sleep there & having had to take three doses, the maximum they can give you, my journey began a little later & I was not don when the ceremony ended. The Queen Mother had to come out if I was to sit up, stand up, walk to my car & drive to a safe place where I could finally sleep and it finally did.
This experience was absolutely priceless & I would not have traded it for the world. From this day forward I make no promises but I vow to try to stay present to whatever comes up for me, to breath open through it & as it. I vow to observe my fears as they come up & remember what I saw, that fear is in the mind, in the ego & it is not real, that I am more enough, that I am infinite, that I am not rejected, that I am love, I am light & I am absolutely fearless!
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